Saturday, April 25, 2015

The Nightingale

This week hasn't ended, yet I feel so much pain in my stomach (OMG what is this thing to do with my stomach hee) and I cried a lot. Maybe I ate too much onions. Or did I forgot to eat anything? Hee hee. This is called "the anxiety". Familiar with the nauseous thing, like you're gonna throw up eventually while you're thinking or talking about something that is so hard to express? Yeah. That was it.


This was started last week. I've never been so scared of being left until that day. Sounds funny but it was true. I hardly believe it myself. I mean why? Have I lost my sanity? Perhaps, yes. It was so sudden. I have died trying to hide everything, yet he always guessed them (mostly) right. I have tried my best to find distraction, to find anything to keep me sane, to stay in the line, to hate him more and more ('cause it's a lot easier), but in the end I'll stuck again. The rest is this anxiety feeling. I'm lost in this dungeon.

It's only a drawing.

I have this bad habit, that every time I'm into someone, I'll have it for years but I'll end up doing nothing. Because I know that every time I have that dangerous feeling, I'll screw up. I'm scared. Not that I expect a thing. But rejection is of course not anyone's favorite word. No one wants to have a feeling for somebody who hasn't the same feeling. And for years? I don't think so. That's why I should stop. Logic number one.

And then talking about expectation. Not that I suppress myself of being the one who disappointed, again, from rejection perhaps. But life is way too serious to have anything wrong right in the feeling. And I am too old for this. Play time is over. There are so many things to think and not any of them could be converted to be logically acceptable, once I release this dangerous thing (OMG this is so exaggerated). That's the logic number two.

Repeating the history is not my favorite thing to do. Especially repeating that history that is experienced by someone that I know. I knew everything - and I wish I could erase it, reset everything, reset myself, reset my mindset, reset him? But again, I know it is impossible. I'm not that strong, shadowed by everything that I don't want to have the empathy of. I'm not gonna repeat anybody's mistake. This is the third logic.

When we're talking about betting, yeah, that old "betting" thing, that was the time when I do really want to help somebody to through this. Despite I know exactly that you didn't need any help (as you always say). I am also an over thinker (you know how much I hate this). I mean, I don't left people. I don't want to give that feeling to someone important. Maybe I'll just consider myself as "unlucky". Fourth logic.


I'm not about to ruin something because of this confusing feeling. I REALLY wish I've never have it this way. I wish we'd stay the same. But how could I do it? And one thing for sure. Having this weird and embarrassing (and more embarrassing moments will follow, I'm sure about this) stuff in my head is of course a curse, but if I have to endure your left again, then I'd rather be embarrassed again, and again, and again. Writing this is also embarrassing enough. So how many logical rules I've violated now?

Ignorance is bliss, indeed, but for me it was hell (Monday, January 05, 2015 9:45 AM).


Now if you ask me what will I do if you stay? I have no idea. As I said yesterday, I just don't want you to go. Or disappear. Or escape. Or left. Just it. But once you said that you have no strength to chase or whatsoever, then I'm assure you that I got the message. I don't have to say it out loud, do I? Like I said, I'm old-fashioned. Maybe I'm just unlucky.


I don't know. Maybe I'm just confused. Once I publish this post, oh, I don't know. Things have been already embarrassing. I don't care. Sorry to bother anyone. Have a nice day.