At least that was the rumor spread lately. People think I am shrunk and I have no idea, is that a fact or just opinion because I haven't check on my weight since forever but actually I've been feeling lighter than I could remember. My Mom told me to eat up like every second and I was like, am I that small? *tears* Uhm, hello! I know, right? It's not a news that everyone in my concrete universe know the fact that YES I AM TINY AND THAT'S BEEN MY LABEL SINCE I WAS CHILD and seriously it seems that almost everyone is bigger than me. Literally. So every time I meet or see someone smaller than me I have this evil laugh happening in my sub conscious like, HA HA, EAT THAT, HALF-LING :(.
And that also happens when I see two of my favorite singers: Hayley Williams and Ariana Grande. They are like 1,5 meters-ish (I am exactly 1,5 meters lol). And the Americans or Europeans have huge bodies, right? So yeah, imagine them surrounded by their people and then suddenly I'll feel better (but they're great!). Apologize!
|And here I am an absolute bragger displaying my illustration lol but what else I could do, right? Pencil color and ink in a plain paper.|
I'm not in the bad mood or something - in fact I've been very happy in my tiny cocoon (slash comfort zone, no human included) recently - I just been wanting to write about this for a long time lol.
Let me begin with the sad stories.
When I was a kid I was bullied because of my heights (obviously!). I grew up very slow. When my friends had reached 140 cms something, I only 120 cms. That was when I graduated from the elementary school. My excuse was, I only 11 at the moment. But actually an 11 years old girl has a normal height at about 137 cm-ish lol. I remembered one of my frenemies (oh I have so many) told me that he wouldn't want to date me because I was short. I never talked to him again until now.
*Funny part was what kind of elementary school student would go dating at the moment lol*
What I used to do was crying and telling my mom and she would encourage me like, "don't worry, you're little but none of them are smarter than you" (of course that wasn't true because I was failing at physical eds lol). Then I would stop crying and starting to study very hard. So I kind of grew up thinking that I have to be smart academically (had no idea about the definition of "smart" that day), being the best in everything (maybe this was the reason that made me have this competitive trait till now).
|Youtube. Diary Of A Wimpy Kid.|
Moving on in the middle school, I quite ignorant with those comments. I was getting used to be called by that name as how people would identify me at school. Like, which one is D? Oh, that tiny-smart girl in class 1F. *pardon my brag here lol* See? I made myself easy to identified ignoring the harsh feeling back stage. But I still remembered how one of my teacher made jokes about me, naming me as a malnutrition toddler in front of the crowd. Everyone was laughing. I was just silent with my resting b*tch face applied on me (still happened till now when I found an offensive jokes). And the worst part, he was a religion teacher. Duh! Also, I quit the scout team because I used to put in the backest of the line. :(
|Source. 10 Things I Hate About You.|
Growing up must be very hard for me, literally. When I reached high school I only 140-ish. Actually, so much progress (lol to that) since I gained about 20 cms during middle school. High school was friendly. Nobody bullied me here (except those social-plastic-cliques laughing at me when I performed my modern dance because I was too small to act as Americans during a school festival lol - oh, you didn't know. I did dance). But then, as normal as a teenager could be, I made that feeling on my own, like, I was the one bullying myself. Suddenly I felt sad and had a very low confidence. I mean, I wasn't a smarter person in high school and that was hurt because what else did I have? I totally invisible. I was grumpy and had only a few friends. And the only thing people remember perhaps "that D from 'the class' - which was tiny". That made me hate high school and I had the urge to get out as soon as logically possible. And I did.
Being a college student was the best moment of my life. I said goodbye to my uniforms (hail to that!) and I dressed peculiarly - after all, I was an "otaku". Also, I was the only one coming from my class of high school in my department. NOBODY KNOWS WHO I WAS lol so I was free to create the desired label. I didn't do that smart-girl thing because I had this idea that "smart" doesn't define by your GPA. Smart is more than that. And then what did make people recognize me? Remember, I was (and still) the smallest person on earth they didn't even knew I was existed or alive. Exactly. I draw. I got my label as "D, that tiny girl with peculiar outfit who draws" and no one was hurt by that (I mean, me).
|Source. Paradise Kiss.|
I thought things have changed ever since. I was no longer mad when people calling me "tiny" or "short" or "toddler" or "hobbit" whatsoever. Tiny is not the same as ugly, or stupid, or any other humiliating words. Besides, I won't grow any taller so it would waste my time if I mad.
Recently I got body-shamed because I was tiny (uhm, it was said that I was "a tiny woman pretends to be great"). And yet this is a very mature world with (supposed-to-be) mature people, I may say. I am an employee. Of course I need to be great. Plus, my co-workers are far greater than me so the pressure is real here. That sounds humiliating. Wandering in my tiny mind as it made me remember those bullies in my childhood. To me, it sounded like: I wasn't worth it because I was small.
*Silent with resting-b*tch-face*
|Source. Scream Queens.|
Actually I cried a little. You know the scar from your childhood is never healed completely so when it cut again, it cut deep and it felt like your years of healing those wounds would be a total failure. And the worst part was I felt low because none of this supposed to offend me. Seems like half of my adolescent mind is still there. I was a product of a high school failure system so I didn't pass my teen age well. Blah, blah. The over thinker me.
*If I'm gonna blame myself further I could spit more words lol*
|Source. Devil Wears Prada.|
See, being visible (and great) especially in the workplace is important but that's never been my lifetime-achievement-goal. I mean, what's that for? This is platonic and dramatic but I just want to be happy. And happiness doesn't define by what people think of you. I mean not that those things are unimportant, but don't try too hard to impress people to see what you are planning to mean to make them label you. Trust me, you're gonna hurt yourself doing that.
So that was the history. I wasn't mad of the words by default, but it might be different under some other circumstances. So here I apologize if my words offend anyone. Really, minding your words are important because we can never know what kind of words are related to what kind of pain in someone's life.
Being tiny is not that bad. Of course I had a bad time standing in the crowded public bus, or putting my stuff in the plane cabin (still out of reach to me), or talking with tall people (hurts my neck), or play volleyball (as if I could lol), or even reaching my own cupboard in my boarding-house lol. It's okay anyway, still solvable. I am tiny. But that's my peculiar feature, my forever label - and my type of greatness. I won't make it as my enemy again. You're right, people. I maybe shrunk because of work and others (yeah I feel it, I'm so thin today), but my sanity won't (let's hope so at least). Insya Allah.
|Source. Moonrise Kingdom.|
*OMG this is so teenagy post lol*