30.5.15

Vanished

Originally written on May 30, 2015
At your absolute best, you still won't be good enough for the wrong person. At your worst, you'll still be worth it to the right person.

1. They always make you feel inferior, and that was not even the worst part. They (think) they are perfect. You are not. How to change it? Nothing. You wish they tell you that you have something to proud of. But they didn't.
2. You ask them, what is it in you that is so precious to them? They didn't answered. You asked them again. Still no answer. They only say "Do Your Best." Okay then. You're not worth it (for them).
3. Be better, change yourself, they said. Repeatedly. You've tried, but they seem didn't notice at all. And then they noticed, but it seem never enough.
4. They said they need you to not to surrender. You've tried. Many times. Again, it seem never enough. Perhaps you've been invisible all these times.
5. How many times they tell you to leave? Hundreds. And then you've tried not to leave. They didn't ask you to stay, but you stayed anyway. You were the one who always struggle to reach them.
6. You stay. Again, betting on something you've been struggling for. But then they tortured you, telling you to go, telling you that you're never good enough, and then the worst part was when they said: "a person like you, wanting to be kept? I'll say NO." Suddenly you feel not worth it. At all. And that'll be enough reason for you to leave.

Think about it. They are good. Too good for you, to be honest. They loved you more than you'll ever know. They loved you even when you still hate them. Now that you love them, too - too much - they just treat you like you have thousand flaws. You love them. And still. But have they ever - I mean, EVER - asked you, what do you want? Did they know that you need them to be the same? Did they know that you need them to believe that you are precious? Did they know that you want them to tell you to stay? And did they know that you didn't like to be asked to leave? Perhaps they are right (I mean, they are always right). You're not worth it to keep. You better leave, and vanished. They'll said: Bye. Have fun. Etc. You don't have to come back.

21.5.15

Teru Teru Bozu

"Hei, kenapa menggantungkan itu?"
"Biar hujan nggak turun"
"Memangnya kenapa kalau turun?"
"Aku akan keburu mati sebelum aku bunuh diri"
"Kamu mau bunuh diri?"
"Ya, asal nggak hujan."

(DHBP - 2007).

Jadi tiba-tiba saya teringat dengan salah satu novel favorit saya: Dan Hujan Pun Berhenti karangan Farida Susanty. Saya tertarik melihatnya karena cover novel itu bergambar boneka kain putih yang digantung di atas langit-langit. Iya. Kalau suka nonton anime atau baca manga pasti familiar dengan boneka tersebut. Dialah si teru teru bozu. Ah tapi saya gak akan bahas buku itu. Mungkin lain kali ya. Lagian blog ini tidak spesifik bahas-bahas buku atau apa. Hanya coretan dari pikiran-pikiran aneh, kadang gak ada artinya.
 
Teru Teru Bozu. My version. Terlihat cute padahal tidak berguna.
Katanya sih, teru teru bozu itu adalah semacam simbol atau jimat penghalau hujan. Orang-orang Jepang percaya bahwa boneka itu mewakili biksu di zaman dahulu yang pernah menjanjikan akan menghentikan hujan kepada petani. Hehe. Kalau saya sih gak percaya ya. Dan gak mengamalkan juga. Saya sering bikin waktu kecil dan hanya nganggap dia boneka untuk main-main saja. Tapi tidak menjadikannya teru teru bozu beneran. Dibilang just for fun juga gak boleh 'kan. Namanya beragama gitu. Cuma saya tertarik aja dengan filosofi di baliknya.

Menggantungkan harapan lewat sebuah simbol, ialah si teru teru bozu itu. Kita tidak mau hujan datang. Jadi kita berharap. Lewat apa? Gantungkan teru teru bozu supaya langit bisa lihat. Tipulah ia supaya ia ragu menurunkan hujan. Padahal langit itu pintar; tidak akan tertipu oleh sepenggal teru teru bozu. Gini deh. Di mana logikanya, langit akan menuruti teru teru bozu? Dia hanya sebuah boneka kecil. Kenapa bisa berharap dengan sebuah boneka kecil tanpa daya? Mungkin kita sedang sangat lemah dan desperate.

Berharap. Ya. Berharap. Semua orang perlu itu. Tapi kepada teru teru bozu? Sia-sia saja. Hujan akan tetap datang. Jadi kamu akan keburu mati bahkan sebelum ia datang. Tapi ya sudah kan. Asal gak bunuh diri.

"Aku adalah hujan. Kalo kamu gak suka, gak apa-apa. Silakan berteduh."
- Pidi Baiq.