Picking "You" Out of the Blue

Friendship is a funny thing. You'd just pick them randomly and think "Ah, I like this one" and then you'd just start to hang out together. (unknown)

Relationship, too.

Or should I say, the wedding lock? The marriage?

Because I did it. Or I likely did it - because I don't believe in "accidentally". I found him one day and I was like, "That's him. That's my Mr. Darcy*." LoL.
Mr. Darcy's back is my favorite back.

You know I always believe that Allah gives us His blessing always. But His gift, especially "this", they come unexpectedly. Like when we started to stop wondering who is that one person who would be trapped with us forever (lol), and finally decided to stop being a hopeless romantic. Like this one. Like "you". I'm just picking you - not a "weenie-meenie-minie-mo" picking - but in a petrifying-sudden crush way. Like, "hey I like that one, he's gonna be an eligible candidate of husband for me". And then I forgot about him for a while until one day he asked about my "whatabouts", left me wondering constantly for a very long time. But it was stopped there. We never talked at all. He never showed up again until one day, this year, he asked me that word. Cringe? Ridiculous? Unbelievable? Believe me, I'm surprised myself, too.

I didn't left my left shoe on the floor in the middle of the night after dancing with you, or stealing your roses from your mansion hoping you would pick me as your lover. But here we are.
I was picking you out of the blue. And then suddenly after years, you decided to pick me, too.


Those Who Can't Do, Teach (?)

WRONG. Totally wrong. Here's why.

I must say, having a teaching experience is always something else for me. Considering my forever-felt-anxiety strikes every time I take courage to raise my hand, volunteering myself to speak or just having people recognize me, like "hey, I'm exist!" (kind of), well it was just something. And maybe because I'm getting used to this, I now have a good time and starting to enjoy.

Salah satu pemateri di Training for Trainers pra pendidikan BPS; tinta di atas kertas biasa. Original picture by me.
Karena beda loh, maju ke depan, present something, dengan mengajar. Hmm ada persamaannya siih. Misalnya, sama-sama siap pasang badan dihakimi, sama-sama ada ekspektasi dari penontonnya, juga sama-sama butuh persiapan hehe. Kalau ditanya "susah mana", hmm saya pribadi sih menganggap "ngajar" itu lebih susah.

Gini, lho. Ketika presentasi - taro lah, memaparkan topik tertentu pada saat rapat kerja, kita tuh sudah tahu kalau audiens itu tahu apa yang kita paparkan. Maksudnya gini, tidak ada orang yang datang ke sebuah rapat tanpa tahu minimal judul dan garis besar topik rapatnya. Maka tugas si presenter akan lebih mudah dalam mengarahkan dan menyamakan persepsi dengan audiens. Istilahnya tuh kadang mereka datang ke rapat hanya untuk re-konfirmasi atau menanyakan hal-hal yang kurang jelas saja. Apalagi kalau audiens-nya bos-bos, bisa-bisa kamu presentasi hanya untuk dihakimi hehe. Mereka expect kamu tahu dan bisa jawab semua re-konfirmasi yang mereka ajukan. Itu saja!


How Not To Be The IT-zilla

So psyched these days because at times, everything needs to be on My way. With capital M, yes, referring to your ego. That's right, your ego doesn't help you but in this case you accidentally involves it one too many times. Let me tell you something, since the very beginning my friends tell me that six months isn't a good length of time to prepare this, I never really think about it until it happens to me - really to me lol (yeah, I still can't believe this, too) and I need to make it good. Look at the long shopping list with strikes here and there. So many items, so much asterix' (and footnote), and well, a lot of out-of-plan added stuff making the list longer and longer day after day.

And my weight!

My weight is up by 3 kg OMG. While so many others do the diet to be as slender as possible to celebrate it, me is originally this extra thin so I need to raise my weight - I never thought I'm going to be any fatter until today lol - but NOT THIS FAT OMG. Not to body-shame anyone believe me, but now I know how's the urge of "need-to-be-on-a-diet" feels like. Phew. So stressful.
Ahmanet by @tweedledew.
I'm (still) a control freak. I need everything happen to be my way. Like an "IT-zilla" - clownish act may follow. That's why, I'm afraid I've become one - not a hundred percents one but still is. This stress, lead to reckless decisions happen in a very short period, making a huge questionable stuff happened in my head (and home). How did this happen? Organizing an event is not a new thing for me - still, I learn that every event has its own special manic character so to become "IT-zilla" is a dead-huge possibility.

(When I wrote this, I've already calmed down and hopefully sober enough from the "IT-zilla" symptom lol).

Ego No.1 - I Concept This


Almost Ravenna

Ada yang pernah baca "titik"? Ya, sebuah tulisan semi asal-asalan yang saya buat dua bulan lalu, yang agak-agak semi curhat juga mengingat itu khas banget omongan mbak-mbak twenty something yang sok-sokan kuat padahal galau (apaseh), yang sebenernya saya udah lama banget pengen bahas dan isinya lebih luas dari yang kamu bayangin. That's right. Tentang sebuah kegagalan. Tepatnya, pembenaran terhadap kegagalan. Gak deng, saya gak seneng dengan kata "gagal". Saya bilang, sebuah ketentuan-yang-gak-persis-harapan-tapi-paling-baik-menurutNya-namun-belum-kita-mengerti-artinya. Such a phrase, ryt!

Tentang LPDP.
Selfie. That eerie portrait I drew to capture my feeling that day lol. Illustration by me. Watercolor and Ink on Regular Paper.
Ya gua pernah ikutan LPDP lohh btw. Dan misalkan elo search "LPDP" di Google pun, akan ke luar banyak bacaan, banyak yang bahas, baik yang berhasil maupun yang belum. IDK, perhaps LPDP is popular among bloggers? So walaupun saya tahu di luar sana banyaaaakk banget yang bahas ini, saya tetep akan bahas karena saya blogger, dan saya pernah ngomong kemarenan:
"That's right, successful or not, I'll be still own something to write on my blog".
Dan bener aja! That "not" was happened.

Rasanya sedih banget at the moment. Karena saya kayak udah merencanakan ini sejak lamaaaa banget. Sejak penghujung 2015 kali ya hehe. Butuh berbulan-bulan untuk saya berhenti menapakuri hal tersebut. What's wrong about me? Why did I fail? Something like that. I must say, something that a snobbish would say and I've said them a lot. Bukan gak terima sih, cuman kayak, self-esteem saya tuh pernah jatoh banget gara-gara ini. Well, kini gue nyesel sih udah mikir begituan. Gue lupaaa banget ada hal-hal kayak gue bilang di atas, hal-hal yang gak bisa kita kontrol seenak jidat, yakni ada ketentuan-yang-gak-persis-harapan-tapi-paling-baik-menurutNya-namun-belum-kita-mengerti-artinya. That Higher power. Ini salah satunya.

Disclaimer: buat temen-temen yang tersasar ke blog ini karena pengen tahu soal LPDP secara detail, my apologize, mendingan skip deh, karena saya gak akan cerita "how to" dan semacamnya. You know the result.