As a new parent - with branches of doubts and a dose of close to be poignant inner goddess - I sometimes have this scary feeling: how could I not go back to be myself again before all of this? I mean, I was all alone & independent. I (perhaps) don’t depend on people and no one is dependent on me, too. But today is too much. Too different from that “alone” me. Think. Suddenly, almost two years ago I have a husband and three weeks ago, a baby?
The world is suddenly spinning three times slower, eh?
|Illustration by me.|
I seriously never thought that I’ll reach this point at last. I was very care-free and living only for the moment. (Actually I still that kind of “living for today” person). So to become a wife, and then mother, at last, is sometimes very overwhelming. Like, am I doing this correctly? Does my husband like what he sees, listens, treated as humanly as possible? Am I a good wife? Will I be a good mother? Does Faruki approve the way I treated him? Am I gentle enough? Because again, there’s no turning back. Hoping for a turning back is of course an impossibility - except you’re ready to lose something. I am very unprepared for all of this. But do I excited? Of course I am! I just, again, sometimes I’m scared of being not what I want to be. Being not good enough.
See I have it in my inner thoughts - and I believe lots of other mothers have it, too - so having another doubtful comments regarding my method of wife-ing and mother-ing is just unacceptable. Believe me, we sometimes want to “escape” this. Not that big escape, but having a chance to breath from this endless, full of surprises routines are something. Be it having a good shower, sugary meals, blog-walking, or a nice power nap, or having time to apply skin care on your dirty-unattended face.