Picking "You" Out of the Blue

Friendship is a funny thing. You'd just pick them randomly and think "Ah, I like this one" and then you'd just start to hang out together. (unknown)

Relationship, too.

Or should I say, the wedding lock? The marriage?

Because I did it. Or I likely did it - because I don't believe in "accidentally". I found him one day,

1204 Days Before...

 and I was like, "That's him. That's my Mr. Darcy*." LoL.
Mr. Darcy's back is my favorite back.

You know I always believe that Allah gives us His blessing always. But His gift, especially "this", they come unexpectedly. Like when we started to stop wondering who is that one person who would be trapped with us forever (lol), and finally decided to stop being a hopeless romantic. Like this one. Like "you". I'm just picking you - not a "weenie-meenie-minie-mo" picking - but in a petrifying-sudden crush way. Like, "hey I like that one, he's gonna be an eligible candidate of husband for me". And then I forgot about him for a while until one day he asked about my "whatabouts", left me wondering constantly for a very long time. But it was stopped there. We never talked at all. He never showed up again until one day, this year, he asked me that word. Cringe? Ridiculous? Unbelievable? Believe me, I'm surprised myself, too.

I didn't left my left shoe on the floor in the middle of the night after dancing with you, or stealing your roses from your mansion hoping you would pick me as your lover. But here we are.
I was picking you out of the blue. And then suddenly after years, you decided to pick me, too.


Those Who Can't Do, Teach (?)

WRONG. Totally wrong. Here's why.

I must say, having a teaching experience is always something else for me. Considering my forever-felt-anxiety strikes every time I take courage to raise my hand, volunteering myself to speak or just having people recognize me, like "hey, I'm exist!" (kind of), well it was just something. And maybe because I'm getting used to this, I now have a good time and starting to enjoy.

Salah satu pemateri di Training for Trainers pra pendidikan BPS; tinta di atas kertas biasa. Original picture by me.
Karena beda loh, maju ke depan, present something, dengan mengajar. Hmm ada persamaannya siih. Misalnya, sama-sama siap pasang badan dihakimi, sama-sama ada ekspektasi dari penontonnya, juga sama-sama butuh persiapan hehe. Kalau ditanya "susah mana", hmm saya pribadi sih menganggap "ngajar" itu lebih susah.

Gini, lho. Ketika presentasi - taro lah, memaparkan topik tertentu pada saat rapat kerja, kita tuh sudah tahu kalau audiens itu tahu apa yang kita paparkan. Maksudnya gini, tidak ada orang yang datang ke sebuah rapat tanpa tahu minimal judul dan garis besar topik rapatnya. Maka tugas si presenter akan lebih mudah dalam mengarahkan dan menyamakan persepsi dengan audiens. Istilahnya tuh kadang mereka datang ke rapat hanya untuk re-konfirmasi atau menanyakan hal-hal yang kurang jelas saja. Apalagi kalau audiens-nya bos-bos, bisa-bisa kamu presentasi hanya untuk dihakimi hehe. Mereka expect kamu tahu dan bisa jawab semua re-konfirmasi yang mereka ajukan. Itu saja!


How Not To Be The IT-zilla

So psyched these days because at times, everything needs to be on My way. With capital M, yes, referring to your ego. That's right, your ego doesn't help you but in this case you accidentally involves it one too many times. Let me tell you something, since the very beginning my friends tell me that six months isn't a good length of time to prepare this, I never really think about it until it happens to me - really to me lol (yeah, I still can't believe this, too) and I need to make it good. Look at the long shopping list with strikes here and there. So many items, so much asterix' (and footnote), and well, a lot of out-of-plan added stuff making the list longer and longer day after day.

And my weight!

My weight is up by 3 kg OMG. While so many others do the diet to be as slender as possible to celebrate it, me is originally this extra thin so I need to raise my weight - I never thought I'm going to be any fatter until today lol - but NOT THIS FAT OMG. Not to body-shame anyone believe me, but now I know how's the urge of "need-to-be-on-a-diet" feels like. Phew. So stressful.
Ahmanet by @tweedledew.
I'm (still) a control freak. I need everything happen to be my way. Like an "IT-zilla" - clownish act may follow. That's why, I'm afraid I've become one - not a hundred percents one but still is. This stress, lead to reckless decisions happen in a very short period, making a huge questionable stuff happened in my head (and home). How did this happen? Organizing an event is not a new thing for me - still, I learn that every event has its own special manic character so to become "IT-zilla" is a dead-huge possibility.

(When I wrote this, I've already calmed down and hopefully sober enough from the "IT-zilla" symptom lol).

Ego No.1 - I Concept This


Almost Ravenna

Ada yang pernah baca "titik"? Ya, sebuah tulisan semi asal-asalan yang saya buat dua bulan lalu, yang agak-agak semi curhat juga mengingat itu khas banget omongan mbak-mbak twenty something yang sok-sokan kuat padahal galau (apaseh), yang sebenernya saya udah lama banget pengen bahas dan isinya lebih luas dari yang kamu bayangin. That's right. Tentang sebuah kegagalan. Tepatnya, pembenaran terhadap kegagalan. Gak deng, saya gak seneng dengan kata "gagal". Saya bilang, sebuah ketentuan-yang-gak-persis-harapan-tapi-paling-baik-menurutNya-namun-belum-kita-mengerti-artinya. Such a phrase, ryt!

Tentang LPDP.
Selfie. That eerie portrait I drew to capture my feeling that day lol. Illustration by me. Watercolor and Ink on Regular Paper.
Ya gua pernah ikutan LPDP lohh btw. Dan misalkan elo search "LPDP" di Google pun, akan ke luar banyak bacaan, banyak yang bahas, baik yang berhasil maupun yang belum. IDK, perhaps LPDP is popular among bloggers? So walaupun saya tahu di luar sana banyaaaakk banget yang bahas ini, saya tetep akan bahas karena saya blogger, dan saya pernah ngomong kemarenan:
"That's right, successful or not, I'll be still own something to write on my blog".
Dan bener aja! That "not" was happened.

Rasanya sedih banget at the moment. Karena saya kayak udah merencanakan ini sejak lamaaaa banget. Sejak penghujung 2015 kali ya hehe. Butuh berbulan-bulan untuk saya berhenti menapakuri hal tersebut. What's wrong about me? Why did I fail? Something like that. I must say, something that a snobbish would say and I've said them a lot. Bukan gak terima sih, cuman kayak, self-esteem saya tuh pernah jatoh banget gara-gara ini. Well, kini gue nyesel sih udah mikir begituan. Gue lupaaa banget ada hal-hal kayak gue bilang di atas, hal-hal yang gak bisa kita kontrol seenak jidat, yakni ada ketentuan-yang-gak-persis-harapan-tapi-paling-baik-menurutNya-namun-belum-kita-mengerti-artinya. That Higher power. Ini salah satunya.

Disclaimer: buat temen-temen yang tersasar ke blog ini karena pengen tahu soal LPDP secara detail, my apologize, mendingan skip deh, karena saya gak akan cerita "how to" dan semacamnya. You know the result.


01.04.17 Urban Sketching Report

At first it's quite a long tough thought to report this event (because it was happened more than a month ago lol), but then I decide to challenge myself to recall the memory because yeah, I LOVE THIS EVENT SO VERY MUCH - I think I can remember a lot of detail.

So let's begin with how I discover this event.

I've been following a lot of artsy Instagram accounts lately. If you look closely to my following list on my Ig (self-endorse detected lol) you can find them easily. And I don't follow only one kind of arts style, I follow a lot of them from comics to doodle, from fashion to children illustration, etc. and today I found out that urban sketching is also a thing! I was into architectural kind of drawing (did I tell you that I once wanted to be an architect? Too bad, I was really bad at mathematics and similar engineering-starter-pack stuff lol) for so long only I never knew that we can actually draw ones without: ruler!


To be honest ruler and eraser are not my favorite drawing tools.

Long story short, I found that event on Indonesia Sketcher's instagram and at first I didn't interested because it was in Jakarta - too far from my place. Luckily, my boss asked me to attend a business meeting in Bogor two days before that event so I finally could join (yeayy!).

Dari sini gue pake Bahasa Indonesia ajalah lagi pusing kebanyakan kerja (pfft). Btw ini bakalan panjangg banget!

First time urban sketching at Pasar Palmerah.



Saya tidak terlalu paham bedanya anugerah dan ujian. Terutama dengan hal-hal yang secara kasat mata sempurna. Misalnya, karir bagus, harta cukup, disayangi banyak orang, pekerjaan yang nyaman, keluarga tanpa cela. Bukankah hal-hal seperti itu terlihat sempurna dan diinginkan banyak orang? Tapi ternyata tidak semua terasa sempurna bagi si pemilik hal-hal itu. Tidak bersyukur? Tidak bisa divonis begitu sih. Tidak puas? Juga belum tentu. Maka dengan demikian batas antara anugerah dan ujian pun melebur. Anugerah, karena semua terlihat sempurna (bagi orang lain khususnya). Ujian, karena kesempurnaan itu punya biaya yang mahal (bagi si pemilik kesempurnaan).

Saya termasuk orang yang percaya, bahwa ketika beberapa titik mempunyai skor yang lebih, ada titik (-titik) lain yang harus dikorbankan. Mengapa? Karena saya tahu Tuhan itu adil. Sempurna itu milik-Nya. Bukan makhluk-Nya.

Lizzie Bennet from Pride & Prejudice by dif. Watercolor on Ordinary paper.

Makanya ketika seolah-olah saya "membiarkan" beberapa titik yang skornya rendah, ya saya memang punya pertimbangan alias idealisme sendiri soal itu. Saya merasa cukup dengan beberapa skor tinggi yang saya punya di beberapa titik dan akan berusaha membuatnya penuh karena saya merasa mampu di situ. Kecuali, ketika saya merasa sudah saatnya memindahkan skor. Mengorbankan satu titik untuk memperoleh titik lain. Hasilnya? Naik level, mungkin. Demi mengejar keseimbangan yang baru. Kadang-kadang kita kudu milih karena memang tidak semuanya bisa punya skor yang tinggi.

Apakah saya terdengar pesimistis? Mungkin. Skeptis? Mungkin.

Dari sekian banyaknya titik-titik itu, ada satu yang warnanya abu-abu. Skornya ditentukan oleh apa atau siapa yang mengisinya. Sayang sekali, siapa atau apa ini, kadang-kadang sifatnya temporer. Dia mau ada di situ tapi tidak bisa lama-lama. Atau tidak sekarang. Atau tidak sesuai dengan konfigurasi titik - semacam potongan puzzle yang bentuknya tidak matched - salah alamat.

Well, saya gak percaya dengan sesuatu yang dari awal dilabeli temporer. Kita tidak merencanakan kesementaraan. Hidup saja sudah sementara. Fana. Tidak perlu lah ada sementara-sementara yang lain. Dalam kesementaraan ini saya tidak butuh variasi. Saya butuh yang sesuai konfigurasi - sesuai kehendak-Nya. Saya mau titik yang ini sempurna. Jika saya punya dua puluh titik yangmana saya tahu tidak mungkin semuanya sempurna, boleh dong saya minta yang satu ini sempurna? Iya, sempurna itu milik-Nya. Tapi boleh dong, saya minta skor yang sempurna dalam versi saya?

Saya mau titik ini anugerah. Bukan ujian.




Untuk seorang teman.

Garis-garis itu berwarna merah atau hitam, beberapa berwarna cokelat atau kelabu dengan ketebalan berbeda-beda, berukuran sekitar lima sampai delapan sentimeter, dan jumlahnya lebih dari sepuluh. Ami bilang garis-garis itu indah, makanya ketika aku menyuruh dia berhenti membuatnya, Ami bisa saja berang dan aku akan menyerah. Kemarahannya sering membuatku pilu. Aku pernah bertanya mengapa, tapi Ami biasanya hanya tersenyum misterius dan bercerita sambil lalu. Ami bilang, masing-masing garis punya arti sendiri-sendiri. Misal yang hitam, yang dibuat tiga bulan lalu, berarti “bodoh”. Atau yang kecokelatan, dibuat lebih lama dibanding yang hitam dan lebih samar (mungkin waktu dan cuaca menghamburkan semuanya), artinya “lemah”. Sayang sekali aku tidak pernah sempat memergoki saat Ami membuatnya. Kalau saja waktunya tepat, seharusnya aku bisa mencegahnya, dan mungkin garis-garis itu tidak akan jadi sebanyak ini.
Ami masih terduduk, menunduk sambil memeluk lutut di atas dipan yang beberapa hari ini tidak pernah ditinggalkannya. Beberapa detik yang lalu padahal dia masih menatapku tajam karena aku merebut benda kesukaannya: penggaris terkutuk itu. Sekarang bisa kupastikan bahwa dia sedang menangis tanpa suara. Walaupun keras kepala, Ami malu kalau ketahuan menangis. Kadang-kadang dia akan menggambar garis lagi – untung saja penggarisnya sudah kusita. Ingin kusentuh kepalanya, sekedar menghibur dan meyakinkannya bahwa semua baik-baik saja.

Tapi aku pun tidak yakin kalau semua akan baik-baik saja untuk Ami.

Ya, setelah sebulan yang lalu garis-garis itu dilihat orang – tepatnya tak sengaja terlihat orang (ngomong-ngomong aku masih menyalahkan diriku sendiri soal ini, andai bisa kucegah), Ami jadi tak percaya lagi pada siapapun. Orang-orang itu mengurungnya di sini. Karena aku satu-satunya yang mengenal Ami dengan baik, mereka mempercayakan Ami padaku. Aku marah sekali sebetulnya. Mereka pikir, aku bisa berbuat apa? Ami menolakku. Tidakkah mereka tahu?

Kamu harus berhenti,

Ujarku dengan hati-hati pada Ami. Ami menjawab,

Kamu tidak mengerti.

Apa yang aku tidak mengerti? Bukankah kita selalu bersama?”, tanyaku.

Iya, tapi kamu cuma tahu isi kepalaku, tidak dengan hatiku.” Lagi-lagi Ami menatapku tajam. Pipinya basah.

Kalau begitu beritahu”, ujarku lembut. Aku berharap, kelembutanku bisa menyentuh hati Ami seperti dulu. Seperti dulu lagi.


Ketika Semangat Berliterasi Pergi - dan Kembali

Ada dua alasan utama mengapa kita pada umumnya mengenal lalu mencintai dia. Satu, KMGP - Ketika Mas Gagah Pergi; dan dua, Annida. Kebanyakan orang memilih yang pertama daripada yang ke dua. Tetapi yang ke dua tidak bisa terlepas dari yang pertama karena genre baru (baru, pada waktu itu) yang dilahirkannya muncul subur pada yang ke dua. Sementara saya, waktu yang pertama muncul saya mungkin masih SD. Dunia saya masih sangat sempit sesempit majalah Bobo dan Donald hehe. Makanya, ketika saya SMP (sekitar 2002), saya pernah les bahasa Inggris dimana sang pemilik mempunyai sebuah perpustakaan kecil yang sering saya sambangi - dengan koleksi buku yang saya belum pernah temukan sebelumnya bernama "fiksi Islami"; maka di situlah akhirnya saya diperkenalkan dengan yang ke dua. Ya. Berkat alasan tersebut saya jadi jatuh cinta dengan beliau: Helvy Tiana Rosa.

HTR as seen on IG, as drawn by me.
Membicarakan Bunda Helvy, sebagaimana beliau biasa disapa oleh penggemarnya, memang selalu bikin saya terharu dan excited sendiri. Bagaimana tidak, bisa dibilang, kesukaan saya menulis, walaupun tidak benar-benar berawal darinya akan tetapi banyak sekali dipengaruhi oleh beliau. Ah, sebenarnya Annida secara umum sih. Tapi sebagai salah satu pendiri Annida (dan FLP), bagaimana kamu bisa tidak kagum dengan beliau yang tetap teguh menulis sambil berdakwah lewat karya-karyanya yang demikian indah nan menggugah?

Ketika SMP saya menemukan banyak majalah Annida edisi lama di tempat les tersebut - Oxford Course namanya, saya seringkali meminjam majalah tersebut ke rumah. Tidak jarang juga saya bawa ke sekolah dan ditunjukkan ke teman saya yang juga senang membaca - sebut saja Risma. Sampe hapal waktu itu, siapa saja yang sering nulis di situ dan cerpennya seperti apa. Biasanya setelahnya kita akan membahas cerpen-cerpen di dalamnya terutama cerpen karya Bunda Helvy. Kita memang sama sekali bukan apresiator yang baik apalagi kritikus hehe. Tapi kita sebagai anak SMP saja tahu kalau cerpennya beliau itu tidak hanya keren secara bahasa akan tetapi juga cerita. Kalau sekarang kita perhatikan ya, beberapa penulis (fiksi, terutama yang genre-nya Islami) banyak yang terjebak pakem berlebih-lebihan dalam mempuitisasi tulisan. Padahal ceritanya biasa aja (imho looohh) terus gak tau kenapa, dia best seller zzzz. Hmm saya berani bilang, karyanya Bunda Helvy itu tidak demikian. Semuanya serba pas dan tidak berlebihan. Termasuk, kandungan dakwah di dalamnya.


Weird Habit(s) on How I Read Book(s)

Remember that I once ranted about how much my interests in reading keep lower and lower these days and I feel sad about it. I mean, reading is one of my proudly bragged hobby (lol) and if I don't read, what will I be? Last year I possibly only succeed to read one book or two (Lame, no?). Think about it, I might have a lot of spare time and those time I mostly overuse it for (sigh), yeah, fixated on my cell phone - while I could have a lot of stuff added into my brain by reading my piling books. Well, most of them are fiction but I always believe that every book has its lesson and the worst thing in life in my opinion is when you fail to use the most of your resources - mubazir-ism heheh. So, not reading your purchased books is one deed of mubazir-ism and we don't want that to be happened again, do we?

So fortunately my reading-passion (forgive my bad naming for this lol) is actually increasing since early this month. Until today I've finished reading 6 books (yayyy): Jodoh Monica by Alberthiene Endah; 19+ by Boim Lebon; Wanita Muda Di Sebuah Hotel Mewah - Kumpulan Cerpen by Hamsad Rangkuti; Klub Solidaritas Suami Hilang - Kumpulan Cerpen Kompas 2013; Kau Sudah Mati by Jack Lance; The Ghost by Robert Harris. Not to mention about those half-read books piling beside my pillow on my bed. Yes, my copy of Pulang by Leila S. Chudori that has not finished yet, along with Kamu by Sabda Armandio that I've been lost interest to since I don't remember when. Such an achievement if you remember my laziness of reading last year.

My books are beside me.
Told you my hobbies are seasonal. I even haven't made drawing again since February :( And before my reading-hobby decided to dormant again, let me tell you about my reading habit and how it is difficult for me to pick where I left of when reading discontinuously. Oh, I forget to tell you that I need extra focus when I read and when I stop more than a week, I probably forget what I've been reading. Here's why.


I have to pick which book I have to read. This depends on my mood, tho. Like last week I want to read short story so I picked one (that Hamsad Rangkuti book). And this week I've been craving for thriller - darker, better - so I chose Jack Lance's. Etc.


Elsa? Anna?

This is originally drafted on February 2, 2015 (THAT OLD).

Are you Elsa? Are you Anna? Are you Usagi? OMG are you Rapunzel? *okay you can throw out now*

Uhm nothing really matters actually. I just love to manifest myself as other kind of character. Every time I see a movie I was like, Hey I like this one and my character is similar with it. Like in Mean Girls, I see myself as Janis. She's so sarcastic just like me. In Sailormoon, I am Usagi (who is dying to meet Tuxedo Mask in real life hohoho). In Frozen, somehow I think I am as brooding as Elsa. But lately I found myself as the "pusher" and "puller" as Anna. Well then this gave me an idea to make my version of Anna. I mean, I wear hijab, right? *giggling*

One day I smile at one of my picture when I was attending my graduation ceremony. It was kind of pretty - because I used a lot of make up in it lol. Now I actually hate it when people said I was pretty while using so much make up - you know, that thickly applied foundation and face powder, or a very red lipstick, or a very bright eye shadow. Man! You're pretty because of your make up! Is that how you want others to see you? They like your mask, not you.

So here's the thing. We can never really know about our self unless somebody else told us so. It was just hard to understand what's in the mirror because mirror shows us what we want to see, not what we really are. And since I am not a part of Abnegation faction (you're familiar with Divergent, are you?), I see the mirror like hundred times in a day. Not that I like myself that much; in fact the person who spends so much time to see the mirror perhaps has confidence issue. Well, you want to know what do you really look like? Take a camera. Don't do the selfie thing; the angle is usually not as good as when others took it for you. Also, use the standard camera, not the manipulative one. It's even better when they took the picture without you preparing the pose - candid. See? That is you. Good or bad.

Oh, and don't forget to smile. You'll never fully dressed without a smile.

So, are you Elsa? Or Anna? Or who?

Let's start again. My name is Dewi. I am not Anna or Elsa. I am Dewi, and if I was to be born again I don't wanna be somebody else. Not even to be Emma Watson or whosoever lol. I'm pretty much like it being me.


That Just-In-Case Stuff and Where You Put Them

This is very embarrassing but after all these years of denial, I finally need to agree with them easy-going-don't-care-for-style girls and have to reconsider my choice of: BAG. Yes, bag is an essential part of women (hehe) like we cannot going around without carrying our bags. For a woman who works like me, choosing a bag is one factor because I walk about 300 meters from my place to the office everyday carrying my bag (full of my 'just-in-case' stuff). I don't really carry a lot of stuff, tho. But still, the right bag is necessary.

And why do I suddenly think this way? I don't really have problems with my daily bag before today. Yeah. Another clumsiness kills so I have this aching right shoulder for two weeks (tears).
My daily bag.
Yaaa jadi ceritanya dua minggu lalu saya jatuh terperosok ke dalam lubang yang dalam (jirr bahasa apa ini). Saya lupa yaa waktu itu memang 'gak seberapa sakit sih tapi malunya lebih nyakitin karena diliatin orang-orang haha. Pas nyampe kosan, saya baru sadar kaki saya lebam binti lecet dengan tangan kanan yang tiba-tiba pegel kayak mau copot.

Sehingga saya 'gak bisa pake tas kerja saya yang biasanya: that brown Mayonette handbag I adore so much (huhu). Ini juga menyadarkan sih bahwa sebelum saya jatuh itu saya memang kadang sakit bahu yang kemungkinan besar disebabkan oleh pilihan tas yang kurang ergonomis.

Barang bawaan saya cukup banyak sih. Orang bilang, isi tas kita itu isinya barang-barang just-in-case semua. Siapa tau butuh gitu. Tapi gak benar-benar selalu diperlukan. Kayak saya, selain dompet dan hand phone, isi tas saya itu ya benda-benda untuk aktivitas "menunggu". Hand phone, headset, pulpen, sketch book, note book, just book, hehe. Makanya karena isi tas saya gak bisa diringkas lagi, akhirnya saya memutuskan pake tas punggung. :(

Buat saya ini tuh lumayan big deal sih.


Swatch Switch (My Smart Phone Screed)

As you know, my Nexus 5 was broken several days before 2017. I know, it's like an ugly ending for him (I called my phone as "him" lol) and I was sad because he's been with me for almost 2 years. I haven't use the same mobile phone for more than 2 years until him. Not a bragging but nowadays people got bored with smart phone like 5 seconds after they purchased it, considering there are a lot of new type of smart phone offered in the market in a year. Me? My problem with smart phone is not that "boring" thing, it was simply because I couldn't use it anymore (broken stuff). Like, I purchased Samsung three times and they are running out of battery too soon (talking about defect battery life). My Blackberry track pad is also broken I couldn't use it anymore. Lately my Nexus was broken because I dropped him like too often and finally I couldn't turn him on until now. Clumsy me :(
My Broken Nexus 5 :(
Me and my Nexus 5 has a special relationship. After I got him, I never have the urge to buy another phone. I'm a regular Android user, tho. I don't build programs whatsoever so probably I like him very much because of his looks, his interface (slightly different from regular Android phones, the "back" button is on the left - I'm not a lefty tho), and his 'hipster'-ish feeling because he's so rare now. He's so nice to hold on my tiny hand, and I used to tired holding my mobile phone all the time until him. So, having him broken was a great loss for me.

Greater loss when I remember that I only have it backed up on October, so the data after that is erased. Including my parents' photos taken in Bali (have another photos on my Sony Cyber-shot DSC TX20 but not too many left there). I once left my Nexus 5 on a cab while arriving at the airport. Lucky me, the man in the information center lend me his phone so I could call my own phone and the cab's driver picked it. He was kindly return to the airport and handed me back my phone alhamdulillah. I was like, should I have a back up phone? Nowadays people have more than one phone. But NO. I always bring my laptop everywhere and my number is connected to my emails (mostly connected every way, including my social medias - security risks talking) so I'll stay with only one number - one only way to reach me (and I rarely pick up any phone-call lol sorry).


Mutual Mutiny

So around a week ago, I woke up voiceless - almost literally. Muted, like someone's been kidnapping my already-contralto voice (I don't actually know what type my voice is lol) and changed it to be a monstrous whisper! Ugh. Meanwhile I was needing my voice to do stuff - busy bee here. Yeah of course, blame the uncured cough that suddenly caught my defense. Uncomfortable.

Yeah. It was Laryngitis.

Believe it or not, it was my first time underwent that kind of situation. I remember my college-pal once said she wanted to have this kind of voice. Kind of cool she said lol. I wonder what she'd say when she know I got it first? Please honey, don't.

Doodle of my muted life.
The doctor said that I got Laryngitis probably because of exposure or inhalation of the dust, wrong food, or GERD (you know that gut acid, coming to your throat and strangle you from the inside - eerie concept lol). And I checked myself:
  • Inhaling the dust was possible because I spent my weekend drawing and illustrating, using those not-been-touched-for-months art materials from my cabinet. Somehow the dust of your colored pencils could make you ill *rolling eyes *I mean, really?
  • Wrong food - I forgot what I ate as soon as I gulped everything. So when the docs asked me to recall what I ate those two days, I was tortured until I remember finally that I ate some Lays. Could it be Lays, causing my Laryngitis? -_-
  • GERD - I have a gastric problem but this just doesn't make sense.
Okay, I am confused so let's blame the misfortune then. :P


Formula Anti Gila

I am actually in the middle of working - cie, kerja teross. Gak sih, soalnya kemarin sempat bolos satu setengah hari gara-gara HxNx - oke, kita biasa menyebutnya "flu" - sehingga saya merasa sudah terlalu lama libur tanpa cuti dan harus mengganti gap kosong yang kemarin saya tinggalin (still, "cie, kerja teross").

Baiklah. Saya ada deadline. Dia menunggu di pojok sana. Sendiri. Menatap sambil mengancam akan mematikan lampu. Mengingatkan bahwa listrik adalah sesuatu yang memberi nyawa pada apa yang sedang saya kerjakan. Dan saya malah menggambar, menggunakan listrik untuk sesuatu yang lain seperti main-main dengan Photoshop dan bahkan sekarang sedang menulis entry blog di sini. Oke. Dia menatap saya tambah tajam sekarang.

Haruskah saya lari sekarang? Soalnya untuk memenuhi si deadline ini, saya butuh energi. Energi saya lagi kurang banget. Flu dan beberapa hal gak penting sedang menguras energi saya. OMG makin dibiarkan, makin mau gila.

Inspired by Nala Cat. Colored pencil and water color on plain paper. With ink and a help of Photoshop CC.
Analoginya begitu sih. Dan ini gak terjadi sekali aja. Sudah berkali-kali. Agaknya tiap tahun begini banget deh. Di saat inspirasi sangat dibutuhkan dan harus dieksekusi, eh yang terjadi macam-macam: sakit flu, malas, futur, bengong, gak fokus, malas. Hehe. Termasuk, ada pengaruh dari perasaan kehilangan akibat ditinggalkan beberapa orang (atau hal) sekaligus. Yah, saya agak sensitif terhadap 'ditinggalkan'. Dalam beberapa kasus ini sangat merugikan sih, misalnya kita jadi melakukan banyak tugas sementara menunggu pengganti manusia-manusia (atau hal-hal) yang pergi.
It seems that the whole world is against me now. - January 6, 2017.
Oleh karena itu saya menjadi manic! Mmm gak tau deh apa istilah ini tepat. Pokoknya ada saat di mana kamu lagi banyak ide yang pengen diungkapkan tapi yang terjadi adalah, kamu mandeg. Kemudian cemas 'gak jelas, waswas dan sebagainya. Juga ada rasa g'ak percaya sama orang (atau hal), takut 'gak sejalan dan sebagainya. Mendengarkan musik pun jadi nyakitin kuping gitu. Entah karena sulit ngaturin prioritas ataukah kamu memang bukan eksekutor yang baik. Dan saat itu terjadi, kadar antusiasme yang kamu dapat dari sekitarmu ternyata kurang banyak! Gak heran si manic ini semakin menjadi-jadi.


26 Notes Before 27

This is a super duper late post about everything I routinely write on my *clears throat* birthday, or the end of the year, or the beginning of the year (ain't everything is the same for me lol). It's just nice to see yourself changing after a series of interesting events - whether good or bad - and it's just nicer if you could see it in conclusions, a yearly ones, like these birthday posts of me:

Seeing those posts are like peeking to a box of memorabilia. I mean I documented me fell, drowned, poisoned, strangled, worshiped, adored, complimented, promoted (?), fell again, then killed (luckily not dead yet), but frankly I still alive and grew. Twenty seven. What a fat number. And I once wondered how Harry Potter stars feel growing, like, being watched by everyone in their films, is it weird or is it annoying? Nah. I did that, too, in my not-famous blog and I feel quite entertained to peek at them posts once in a while (such a narcissist lol). Kidding. But really, this might useful one day, like, if someone asks me to write a biography, I'll hire a ghost writer and let him read my whole posts and decipher whatever I wrote here lol. Kidding again. Sorry.
That Kid in Headshot Movie.
Plain Paper. Faber Castell colored pencils. Snowman drawing pen. 
So what happened exactly (some of them, well, metaphorically) on me before I reach that fat number? Here are the 26 most interesting stuff took place in my crystal palace (huuuhh):