Monday, December 28, 2015

The Duff Concept, and Social Life in General

This post was originally written last week, you know something about "fake persons and stuff", but then I fixed it here and there in less than 4 hours. And then everything just blank again, except that illustration I made. I didn't know why I drew that flower for I am not a flower-ish kind of woman, but I did it. In the end I just confused what will I write afterwards because that post earlier was kind of too sarcastic to be published. It felt not so much like myself. Perhaps I was upset and nobody write well while upset. Okay, I'm sorry. I always upset.

I love rose. Rose is hard to grow.
I don't know if this post will end up being published in the end because I am not feeling great. I wrote somewhere else but couldn't find anything fit to write here. So I took several days off away from my office, back to my hometown. The day after I arrived, I caught some flu lol and today I think I'm starting to be recovered. So lame. I rarely got sick (physical ones lol) and being sick during holiday is troublesome! Duh!

Okay but forget that blah-blah-blah intro.

I was wondering my life lately. So many things out of control, so many stuff left undone, so much sadness. I forgot how to be myself and I felt bad about it. I lost interests in so many things and then I think there's time to gather everything again. You know. Hobbies. Friends. Families. Etc. My hobbies don't include anybody in it: drawing, writing, reading. Hmm. Perhaps that was because I actually not really good with social interaction with human (of course!) to be honest. If I was walking alone I would keep my head down, avoiding any unnecessary interaction except if I met somebody that I knew (ain't everyone is?). I'd rather say hi to a stranger cat than a stranger human lol.

Interpersonal relationship makes me confused and depressed a lot because I have no ability to stay happy while maintaining my true self. You know things among friends, family, big family, etc. I don't know why that is so hard.

For example, in the elementary school I switched table-mates every so often because once I get attached too long with particular person, I'll screw up. They'd became my enemy after several months (or weeks). Since then I haven't got attached or being too close to anyone because I was avoiding friction. Okay I joined a clique but they were not really close to me. I actually unattached. I stay by myself.

You know conflict happens all the time. And me? I'd better be alone than have to attached with anyone too long if in the end they will still hate me. I even played alone as a kid. And they say people like me have not so bright childhood - well that depends on how you see it, right? I was happy. Though a little lonely but I made my own toys (I love drawing and creating things, remember?) and played it by myself. Again. I was happy.

I felt so much better than have to suffer being a duff. You know the "duff"? The Designated Ugly Fat Friend. The ignored one. The social climber. The clique-member-wanna be. Girls are just like that and I am not destined to be something like "duff". Okay I was one once. The ugly truth was coming after several years of friendship and at the moment I didn't know what was wrongwith me. They were not mean, I was just too grumpy to function lol.

But that was my elementary school (and junior high school, and high school, maybe now lol) story. That "duff" concept is no longer appropriate because everyone will be a "duff" depending on the circumstances. You have many types of environment: boarding house, office, home, alumni-group, etc. Duff is everywhere. And I know I can never handle it well if I was the one - or I assumed that I was the one. I'd best keep my distance from them lol.

Right! I got the concept form that "The Duff" movie. Must watch! You can guess which one is the duff from that picture, right? Sad :(  Source.
Being a grown up means having the ability to ignore unnecessary thing such as "thinking what others thinking of me" or "how to avoid being a duff" or "how to keep your distance from those who don't have time for you". That interpersonal relationship issue of me somehow got in my way. Apparently now I can control it. Well, sometimes I depend myself too much to something unnecessary and I hate being dependent. Human couldn't life alone. It is an undeniable fitrah. And those need that interpersonal relationship ability again. Yeah I know that. But it seems, I can never cope well with that lol. Try harder, but not too much. You don't want to lose your true self, right?