As a new parent - with branches of doubts and a dose of close to be poignant inner goddess - I sometimes have this scary feeling: how could I not go back to be myself again before all of this? I mean, I was all alone & independent. I (perhaps) don’t depend on people and no one is dependent on me, too. But today is too much. Too different from that “alone” me. Think. Suddenly, almost two years ago I have a husband and three weeks ago, a baby?
The world is suddenly spinning three times slower, eh?
|Illustration by me.|
I seriously never thought that I’ll reach this point at last. I was very care-free and living only for the moment. (Actually I still that kind of “living for today” person). So to become a wife, and then mother, at last, is sometimes very overwhelming. Like, am I doing this correctly? Does my husband like what he sees, listens, treated as humanly as possible? Am I a good wife? Will I be a good mother? Does Faruki approve the way I treated him? Am I gentle enough? Because again, there’s no turning back. Hoping for a turning back is of course an impossibility - except you’re ready to lose something. I am very unprepared for all of this. But do I excited? Of course I am! I just, again, sometimes I’m scared of being not what I want to be. Being not good enough.
See I have it in my inner thoughts - and I believe lots of other mothers have it, too - so having another doubtful comments regarding my method of wife-ing and mother-ing is just unacceptable. Believe me, we sometimes want to “escape” this. Not that big escape, but having a chance to breath from this endless, full of surprises routines are something. Be it having a good shower, sugary meals, blog-walking, or a nice power nap, or having time to apply skin care on your dirty-unattended face.
Motherhood is that difficult. And sometimes we lose that wife-hood and woman-hood, caring it.
But. Again. It’s that interesting.
Seeing a happy smile - or assumed one - from your baby, is a turning back situation. It exchanges your boredom, tiredness and feeling low in that motherhood universe with a proud happy moment. Oxytocin floods your brain. Then that ear to ear wide smile suddenly appears in your tired face. Ah..indescribable.
As for me, I am very grateful that Mr. Darcy (now Apa Falah) gave me a good undisturbed hour(s) of nap every night. Vary from 7 to 10 PM. I always ask him to wake me up if things happen. But he never does that - he always coo the baby himself, recite whatever ayat comes to his mind happily - except when the baby is hungry. He always remind me to have these two: syukur, and sabar, respectively. Two keys to keep you sane. Insya Alloh.
And then Faruki is not always that cranky. It’s a good thing, yes? Because a cranky baby results a cranky mom lol. Alhamdulillah.
It’s 2 AM and I was just finished cooking the rice for today’s meal lol. Between this craziness, I need to keep life going. So every spare time is mattered. And this writing? Well. This is how I “escape” motherhood. Entering the world that I used to live my alter ego - actually a true self, I believe. Next time I feel “weak”, I just need to visit this writing again so I will understand that I once have this feeling and it doesn’t need to be recirculated again in my mind.
Syukur. Sabar. Respectively.
(And I will continue my sleeping now).