The Ghostwriter Part 2; Publish or Perish

If there's a part 2, then there must be a part 1 heheh. Well that part 1 was happened years ago, when I was still in the "will-work-for-food" phase (in the most desperate state) and doesn't need any attention to my actual entity. For example, I didn't sign my creation (or writing); means, I let people claimed it as theirs; means, no one knows it was me creating things. And then there were "but(s)" behind all these means. Here are the but(s): I was paid, They were nice, The situation didn't allowed me to do that (For example: I've just graduated, how would I write a doctoral thesis on my own, right?) and I was paid lol. So there was no problem about that, right? We made a deal! And because I learnt a lot by doing that so I didn't hate it. Being a ghostwriter was fun. Like being a secret agent.

WAS fun.

Until unfortunately, I found it was no longer exciting since I am in the real world now. Yes. I told people that one of my motto is "publish or perish" but at times, I'm too coward to take credits for everything. Have I told you that I once hid myself in the crowd when I was announced as a winner of something in high school and asked to get on to the stage, just because I didn't want to be seen - I was too shy (and coward). Okay that was the stage fright things and happen to be lost in sight nowadays (sometimes it happened again, displease everyone). What I'm talking about now is something deeper.
Originally seen on Marc Jacobs ad. Illustration on plain paper using inks and water color. Refined by Photoshop CC.
This is the situation where you create (or control, or think, or whatever) something but no one knows about it coming from you. And they do it on purpose while you don't. There are reasons behind it but it doesn't matter. Your name isn't worth to mention and they prefer you to stay anonymous. So you hid yourself again. Like a ghostwriter (or only "ghost"). Only this time, you don't mean it.

To explain the ambiguity-ish feeling resulted by this situation, I'll split myself into two persons.


Person 1 - "Publish"

As a thirst-of-publicity person, well, I want people to know that I DID something. Luckily today we have Instagram or Facebook to fulfill that necessity. We can easily put things in them and attach a catchy caption, announcing your talent making those creation. In short word: bragging. Me? I have this blog obviously. I put things here and people aware that the illustrations (and words) are mine (if it's not, I put the source link on them). So no caption needed actually.

So what happen when people try to take things from here, and use it without my permission? At first I will be relieved because that might mean they liked my creation and being liked is great. But enough with that positive vibe. The "publish" person will have to confront.

This was actually happened once. I had this photo I once posted quite a long time ago and I really sure it was mine, but I found it posted on one of my acquaintances' Instagram - without my permission! I confronted her because I did sure it was mine and you know just, put my alias on it wouldn't hurt, you know?

I decided to confront because I know my rights to be acknowledged. I need to be published.

Person 2 - "Perish"

Let's say I had finally confronted those posting-without-permission acquaintance and asked her to put my name on her post. But then she refused my request. She said it would ruin her post, I don't know, its beauty might decreased maybe or something. She asked with an innocence tone I was afraid I'd break her heart if I didn't agree. So because I am the Perish type, I'd be the one who felt weird and guilty - as if my request was too much to ask and I felt snobbish also. In the end I let her used my picture without the signature marked in it.

But I did it in a long sigh. Like, why God?? And then since I'm not that demanding about that, I'll accept it as my cowardly attitude - that was my fault I didn't ask harder. 

So I gave up. And I was perished.


See? I always have that ambiguity whether it is right to be a "Publish" or won't it be coward to be a "Perish". Because you know, the "Publish" side may shown up when I'm dealing with a hardly-saying-thank-you heartless person (also, he didn't get the hint), but the "Perish" will rise when dealing with a close friend, or a boss, or anything with a higher hierarchy lol.

Thing is, I couldn't say it straight to them. If it was for a friend, I might understand and be sincere about that. But isn't a friend supposed to understand each other? So they are supposed to know what exactly how I want them to treat me. Also, if they do it repeatedly, I'll start to question whether they really see me as a friend, or only as a tool? *I know I'm soooooo demanding, but this started to make sense, right?
Yeah. This is not about the picture, or illustration, or writings, it was more than that.
At this point I started to feel guilty to still listen to the free mp3s or using illegal software. :(

Now I'm asking you: Will it be enough for you, being secretly thanked while others attend the winning party and sharing stories? Yes? Repeatedly, yes? 
I'm afraid that I'll be a ghost even when I'm not dead yet.
Ah.. but then I remember that I'm more a "Perish", I secretly annoyed by the fact that I am not the "Publish" when I love to brag a lot actually (think about this blog and my social medias: more like bragging medias). But being in the live spotlight is never my choice - I'm too awkward. So ssshhh I'll take my words back; I'm okay to be a ghost now.

Confused, no?

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