30 Days to BPS Diary - The Final

PROLOGUE

They say, winner never quits, and quitter never wins. This, I believe, can't be applied in to all situation. There are times you should quit a thing to pursue another thing - which is better - and you're still able to win. So yeah, this is the drama. I wrote this on my Whatsapp and kept it updated day by day. For any blank days, it meant I was busy doing the rest of my work before my leaving.

Artwork by me.

H - 30

I finally had the courage to hand over the letter to my superior. Yeah, the letter that’s been in my draft since two months ago. I almost had a teary feeling especially when my superior told me that he’s already have plans to fill in after my leaving approved. But then I was okay. He’s so considerable and I was lucky to have a boss as wise as him.

H - 29

Finally the memo has been sent. I need to prepare for the questioning thing (or I hope not at all) as per today the VP will probably read it.

H - 28

At 13.00 WIB, my ex superior, whose now the evaluator in the HO called once. But I was doing the salah at the moment so I didn't pick up the phone. At 16.00 he called again and I was busted for being online in Whatsapp so I was forced to pick it up. I knew it, they'd ask a lot. And I've been prepared with some possible answers so I didn't afraid at all. In fact I was relieved. Finally I have the guts to do it. To quit.

H - 27

It started to feel casual. With my leaving and all.. and I still keep it secret. What they know is I'm about to move to another town with another position. While the truth is.. you know the truth.

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H - 24

This morning one of the HRD people whom I know suddenly texted me "is this the letter you meant last week??" with a capture of my resignation letter before it. Uhm, I forgot to tell you. Last week he asked if I already got the Moving Order (I don't know what to call it, the name is "surat mutasi jabatan") and I said that I've got it but I've sent another letter before it. He got confused, "what letter?", he asked. I didn't reply further because at first I assumed because he is a HRD person, he must've known. But the fact is he know it only this morning and of course he asked a lot to me whether I'm sure or not about that. I said I'm 100% sure - why else I would sign the letter and sent it to the VP if I'm not sure yet. He said maybe there's another way. I said I've tried. And I need no more trying.

Today there's a big event with my VP presenting his speech in the Meeting Room. My superior and his assistant have already waited in the lobby but unfortunately the VP didn't met them. He made a surprise by coming to our Department Office - and I was alone in there. Busted. As I walked him to the Meeting Room, he asked me who is resigning? I answered, it's me. He didn't really asked too much, he only said it's quite unfortunate because I only worked here for 5 years.. but I said I have no choice since I won't be doing any good considering my condition now. Told them. I'm married and I'm, well, I'm gonna be a mother. So I have a bigger priority now.

H - 23

One of my mentors while I was an initiate worker in Palembang suddenly asked me to talk privately. He gave me the pep talk. Like, why so sudden? Why didn't I think about it deeper? Or, talked to him. He said all I need to do was ask. But I said I've done that already and it didn't succeed.

H - 14

My name isn't on HSSE MOR II employee list anymore. How sad. They still place it on MOR IV. The so called Maos. I never. Ever. Want to be a part of that place at all, you know. Apart of my reasoning, that sooner or later I'll quit - but never thought that this time is the right time. Can't move anywhere.

H - 3

The test comes when you near the end. I mean, I found such beautiful friends here. That Palembang doesn’t only consist of one or two people so I don’t have to be lonely (or think about that one or two evils). But the thing is, again, the end is near. There’s only two days left. Though the company hasn’t approved my leaving, the PKB said on the 30th day after I submitted the resignation letter, I have no longer need to work there. My boss told me about the farewell dinner on Wednesday. He told me to tell my friends and all.. I really sad that moment. Like, my tears were going to burst anytime soon and what about the farewell? Perhaps my tears would explode lol. I hope not.

H - 2

They knew. The BPS fellow. Accidentally knew. And that’s not what I wanted. I only want my closest friend to be the first to know. Never like this. But it’s over now so what do I expect now? I only hope they didn’t talk behind my back, or may be somebody wants to know first but upset because it didn’t happened.. I don’t know.

And then I’ve been told from the HRD person that the “new place”, the one supposed to be my work place is a dangerous area. I mean, again? How’s that possible. I guess I now know that the corporate have no feeling. Only logic. Yeah, I forgot that THIS IS SPARTA lol.

H - 1

I don’t really upset anymore. I mean, nothing is precious anymore. The job title, the workplace, the chance, the salary (of course I need to tell you about this tho’).. everything seems too blurry. I only want to break up and move on haha.. I came to the office only to attend the exit interview the HR has invited me to. It was only common procedure, nothing too deep. And also I went to the medical department to collect my medical record. I probably need this in the future (lately I know that I NEED THIS so bad). I only came to say goodbye to several people because it was too sad - and too many comments, questions, judgments.. in which I was not in the mood to respond them all. And my pregnancy was in not a good shape - still have a weird nauseating feeling every time.

In the night, they held a farewell dinner for me. I always in charge in organizing event like this, so it was funny 'cause never thought that this time was finally my turn lol. It took place in a rather fine restaurant and the food was delicious. I heard so many moving speech, prayer, and gifts (hehe). Also had no idea they felt that way about my presence there. My tears were about to burst but so much I hated it, so much it’d meant for me knowing so many great people around me especially in these four years in this company. They're like a warm family to me. But tomorrow would be my time to leave...

H

My friend always say, "do as you please, as for the best, but don't regret". I agree, as being "regretful" is ugly and uglier by the time you feel it. Tears flooding both of my cheeks but it's not that I regret the expensive flowers in it. There are way more than that. The friendship, the adventures, the sisterhood, the life-changing experiences.. there's so much in being a working girl for 5 years (plus a year in OJT) aside from the job title or salary. I didn't deny that by earning a lot I could pursue a lot but life is about choices. There are so much you could never afford by rupiahs.

Today I am relieved. Tears are for joy. So much pain but the good news is, it always get better in the end.

EPILOGUE

I realized that I have limits, so if by quitting this job I could overcome it, there's no doubt in me to do it happily. Others might happy being a career woman, working in the office, and still able to be a good wife and mom. But again, I have limits so I need to make this choice. Besides, I have HIM. And I have him. For the most realistic reason, some people said I was stupid. They say, NOBODY QUIT from this company (the ones said this happened to be not working in the company so they didn't knew that actually the resigning rating was increased year by year, mostly for women workers). I was being ridiculous, etc. But they probably forget that this reality, this realistic stuff, HE made this happened. So why bother about me being unrealistic when REALITY itself created by HIM? Alhamdulillah.

And if they think my husband force me to do this? NO. NEVER. He never did that, I told you. He is the kindest, wisest, and considerate person in my life now. Who would ever be mean to that kind of person? I'd be damned if I do that. And that made me even want to be by his side more.. to focus on him - on us - more, wherever he is.

I also relieved because all my life I never ever have the courage to quit anything. Anything. I used to walk away without explanation. Or let them cut me (lol). I think this is quite an achievement. Alhamdulillah.

Ah.. 6 years. As I never regret for being a part of this company, I'm sure I will never regret breaking up with them, too. This is a goodbye, for sure. But the memories would be forever in my treasure. Thanks again, dear energy company. I know you'd be great and greater and greater. You have the most incredible employees I've ever known and from them I learned a lot to be a better myself now. I was shy and bitter at the beginning, but forced (and today, happily) to be friendly, more flexible and quite bubbly. I was never be like I am now if it's not because of you. And you taught me about struggle and not to abuse my power (when I had one). Alhamdulillah. For the billionth time.

Farewell, Pertamina.

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