The Eclipse

Writing keeps me sane; as I repeatedly suggest myself lately, and it does. Remember my writing about escaping motherhood? That was what exactly how I felt about it before this one particular day. The day that changed me and how I see things forward. About how I see Faruki.

Several days after he was born, this evil thought came to my mind: this baby is a bundle of joy, but for how long? He’d be only a big business to tend to the day forward. Could we really do that?

To remember that such thought really existed, I feel sad and guilty. Seeing Faruki’s photos on his early days, small and fragile, made me really upset like, why did I feel that way? I read it somewhere that it was normal - named baby blues, and all. But still, it gave me chills every time I remember it.

Illustration by me.

It happened not long ago, actually. That particular day I was talking about. So since he was about two weeks, Faruki known for his cranky behaviour, agreed by both his grandparents. Yeah. Faruki cries a lot. And I mean, A LOT. It made us the parents - well, me - really unconfident especially when the grandparents were around. We were always extra prepared for whatever bad things a.k.a that regular arsenic hours happen every night. We need to be fit and healthy, only to tend one child! We were really tired and cranky sometimes (I, cranky a lot). That was why, I decided to have time out: sleeping day and night for one to two hours undisturbed everyday, passing Faruki to his Apa & grandparents. I only allow them to wake me up when Faruki needs to be fed.

But that night was different. Faruki suddenly cried LOTS MORE than usual. There were moments he cried for hours but never this loud. I was really tired. I slept alone, as usual and passed him from my mom to my dad, interchangeably. Faruki used to sleep & calm in their hands and I occasionally used that to excuse myself having a lone sleep. But not that night. Night grew old and he was still inconsolably crying. Usually, I’d wake up really upset and sleepy having that kind of problem. But at the moment, I wake up really sad. Suddenly I miss my kid. Fears of him being sick, and how I treated him badly flooded in my mind. So I took him from his grandparents, and tried to hug him myself. I wrapped him with his blanket so tight. I kept the door shut and didn’t let anyone in. At the moment I only wanted to be with him alone. Then cried a little. As I hugged & tried to feed him, I realized how little I was comparing to Him. That whatever happen to Faruki is always His might. Faruki’s heart belongs to Him and only Him able to allow whatever happen in Faruki’s mind - including his inconsolable crying. And even this little situation was hard without His help.

That night I really prayed so my little Faruki could be consoled. He must be very tired crying for hours. He’d been having 6-7 hours of rest everyday while normal babies spent 2/3 of his day sleeping! (Later on I found out how much it affected Faruki’s weight).

Again, I just realized that I LOVE HIM so much. I didn’t want him to be sick or sad. I felt that I was a really bad mom. Alloh..

“I love you, dear. Sorry for being a bad mom”, I whispered to him, with tears dribbling on my cheeks.

Magically speaking, a moment later, he stopped crying. He was calmed down in my cuddle and slowly fell asleep. Sleeping peacefully. Alhamdulillah! I praised Him thankfully. Sincerely.

I know I changed then. I didn’t realized that it was not about me - I feared so much that I couldn’t take care of Faruki well, or simply calmed him down and people will bad mouth about it, it’s about him. Oh, that ego. How I forgot to keep it to overlap, having an eclipse with my affection towards Faruki.

Believe it or not, the day afterwards, Faruki cry less. Maybe all he wanted was a sincere love from his mother and I was a bit late to realize that. He only needs his mother. Not that singing or cooing or hugging from others. It was probably true what they say that babies know how we felt towards them. That’s why it affects their mood. Wallahu’alam.

Today, I enthusiastically spend my day and night with him everyday. Bathe him, chooses his outfit everyday, massage his tiny body, and having a small chit-chat with him. He now smiles a lot. And don’t need to be lifted around too much. He always with me all the time. Not having a courage to miss too many hours. Only passes him to my parents when I need to do the domestic routine and not overdo it. Every night I watched him sleep peacefully. This bundle of joy is being trusted to be taken care well by Him. I just hope I do well. How I thankful having this chance, to witness such creature magically growing and all.

Allah’s that Great.

Yeah I still not a perfect mother. But, insya Alloh, my love for him grow bigger everyday.

Dear Faruki, forgive me for being selfish, and unsure what to do most of the time. Sometimes I upset and it feels like you don’t want to be around me when that feeling occurs. Well it was me angry to myself - never towards you, guaranteed. But I promise you one thing, that my love for you is sincere. And I’ll do whatever I need to make you happy and healthy, in His will & help, of course. And with Apa’s great assistance to keep Ambu sane. Showering you with affection, and more love, even when Ambu hasn’t reach that point yet. Apa is whatever Ambu wants you to be - but be better than him, we prayed. Making me realize that both of you are priceless treasure He gave to be taken care.

Just be patient, little one. Robi habli minash shalihin.

Faruki, I am sorry. We love you.