Have you ever felt like, you've just suddenly woke up in a wrong place, wrong time, and of course, in a wrong situation? (I didn't mention about a wrong body, no?) Well sometimes I do. Especially in the mean time. It's just like, yesterday I was only a free-lancer and I did so many illustrating and translating stuffs for a living. But now it's totally different. I'm no longer a free-lancer and I'm not able to do anything that I used to do. It's quite hard for me to find some time to make drawings or laying in my bed, do nothing but day-dreaming. Okay, I was a lazy-bone lady back then. And now I'm forced to do a lot of diligent and well-regulated stuffs like having meals in the exact same time everyday, do some sports (THIS IS the worst part) three times a week, studying like crazy especially when it comes to exam-schedule..etc.
So it's like a jet-lag thing. I came from a lazy-bone home and arrived unconsciously in a hard-worker dormitory. And you know, my mates here are those so-called extraordinary people. I wouldn't say this if I have no proof. They are so capable and enthusiastic in everything. I honestly feel a little miss-fitted. Am I really suitable for this kind of job? Will I really capable to do what I'm going to have to do? Will I survived this situation safely? I'll get the answer one year later.
Okay what I am going to say is this, I miss my mom. I miss my cats, my family, my grandma, my home, and my home town! I miss everything in my old life. Well I didn't say that I hate my current life - I actually have been waiting for this phase to come - but sometimes I just feel that something might been wrong. It's like, the time doesn't move in the same rhyme with my own movement. It's like I'm going to miss a lot of things. When I realized that I'm no longer be able to go home again, in the mean time, it's already too late! I was like, hey really?! What am I going to do here, far from my old-times?
So this is what they called as homesick. Or in my case, old-life-sick.
|My mom is my everything. Knowing she's not going to be around is a big LOSS.|
What I'm able to do right now is just to adapt more. Struggle more. And don't settle. Never settled. Because I believe whatever may come in my life, it has been decided not only by our self in the past, but also by Allah. He's the one who decided what's good or what's bad. Not that I'm not happy or something like that. But I need a little more trigger to make me feel that this is the one that I really must do for a living. Today I may feel like miss-fitted and jet-lagged and tired but well, someday I'll realize that this is the best I can do and I have to do it with ikhlas.
But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.
(Surah Al Baqoroh verse 216)